If the clinically depressed robot Marvin blogged, this would be it.

Month: January, 2011

School experiences never fade away

I remember this one time at school  I had maths first thing in the morning. I was about 11 or 12. I remember on that particular day we were writing a test. Let me just say maths really isn’t my strong point. Anyways, the teacher was handing out the tests – the class tables were arranged in groups of six, for a moment or two chatter erupts, but it dies down when the teacher gives the customary ‘shout’. That day, my table partner and I kept on communicating with smiles, looks, and barely audible whispers about something trivial. Just then my math teacher swooped down,  scooped up my test paper before I could even finish writing my name and tore it apart. She then went on to say that I am a thief for “copying” and I will get zero for the test.

I was shocked, my class looked at me with big eyes. I started sobbing quietly while the others went on with the test. I just sat there.

That day scarred me.


Time Travel

I’m back in Pretoria and I’m happy about it. I went on first years camp as a senior – which was fun. I met up with a lot of friends and made a few new ones. In that regard I think the camp was, personally, for me – a success. For some it’s not a very high or good standard to measure something with…but in my case it is. What I fear most in relationships/ friendships is rejection. Rejection is bitter and evolves into shame. I have difficulty opening up to people, so if I’m rejected in some way it just…escelates. The funny thing is people wouldn’t even know whether I’m sad/hurt/rejected because I wouldn’t tell anyone.

One night at the camp there was dancing and nobody asked me to dance. Okay, I did arrive a few days late at the camp and there weren’t enough boys for all the girls. But I felt bitter and I kept remembering stuff that happened that still hurts me. I know it’s silly. It’s just stupid dancing, if I really wanted to dance I could just have asked someone. But I felt as if there’s something wrong with me.

Then I had primary school de ja vu. My girl friends where all prettier than me. And nobody chose me and I was all alone . Suddenly I was a 12 year girl again and I wanted to  run away and cry. So I headed for the nearest exit, moped for 5 minutes and went back.


Margot Fonteyn and Rudolph Nureyev.

Sh*t happens, right?

Thursday we ( my sister and I) arrived in Pretoria. Today I dropped her off for her  firstyears camp ( I guess over seas it would be something like freshman camp). Directly after I dropped her off I rented some DVD’s, because I’m alone in the apartment. I watched What’s Eating Gilbert Grape ( the book was way better than the movie) , In Bruge and American Beauty straight one after the other. In each movie somebody dies. I just finished American Beauty and I’m…a bit rattled. It’s an amazing movie. I’m a great admirer of Kevin Spacey.

I feel upset because in each film a character undergoes some change, i.e. a positive change but as fate would have it, stuff in their lives which they do not control ; basicly  kills them.

What’s the use then? What use is life if it’ll blow up in your face no matter what you do. Is that where religion and faith comes in? To catch you when  shit happens?

Or to face above mentioned shit, regardless and have some neat afterlife plan waiting for you, when it, excuse the pun, all goes to hell?

I believe in some sort of life after death. Not necessarily heaven or hell as in the Biblical sense, but some sort of…something. I don’t know. Nobody knows. I guess that’s what faith is for.

Summer break almost over

Wow, my very long holiday is almost over. This is my last week in my hometown. This wasn’t a bad break. It was quiet, busy at times, slow (wait, that’s the same as quiet, isn’t it?) – I’ve been at home for most of it so maybe that explains the lack of excitement.

Things that have happened that’s good is; I saw a ton of movies, I wrote a lot, I read a few books, I spent some of my time on creative projects, I did a lot of internet surfing…but mostly I didn’t do much at all. I also thought a lot. I came to a new place in regards to religion, I grew. That was what I was hoping for because I was in a rut.

I’m glad the holiday is almost at an end. I’m itching to do something again. To get busy.

I’ll try to keep going with this blog, I’ve come to like doing it, a lot. Even though it may not be enormously popular, it’s a good outlet for my thoughts and ideas.

Happy sunny greetings from South Africa!

Exquisite movement

It’s been a busy the last few days.  My sister and I helped out my Dad at his work. Sheesh, stock taking isn’t fun. Anyway, I realised I don’t have a good work ethic. I wanted to skivvie off the whole time. But maybe it’s because stock taking isn’t really my calling.

Anyway, stumbled across a youtube video of Denis and Anastasia Matvienko performing a dance Radio & Juliet. A modern take on Romeo and Juliet with music from Radiohead. Radiohead is definitely one of my favourite bands. This is simply beautiful, I love it.

Little Dreams

Two weeks ago I started to write this really random story/ biographical thing. It started out as a fictional story, but kind of morphed into something else.

It’s a story about trying to understand yourself.

It may be a bit weird, it’s dreamlike.

I don’t want to go into it now, I want to finish writing it and then maybe show someone.

I have this desire to tell stories. I think that it would be best done in a visual format, as in film.  I’m an extremely visual person. I have this dream to go to filmschool and make movies.  I don’t know what to do about it though.

I got into this conversation with my friend about dance movies and how it’s always the same story. As in disatvantaged talented dancer goes to big city ( New York usually), tries out, fails, does some other degrading job, falls inlove, gets a break and happy ending.

In that conversation with my friend I kept thinking I would want to make a dance movie, but then without the cliche storyline. I love dance.

No, I really mean, I love dance. I don’t do ballet, I wished with all my heart I did though. My favourite dancer is Rudolph Nureyev. He was a beast.

They are both dead now. Margot Fonteyn (18 May 1919 – 21 February 1991) died of cancer  at age 71 and Rudolph Nureyev (17 March 1938 – 6 January 1993)  was died of AIDS at age 54.


It seems I’ve developed a new interest in the afterlife. As in heaven, hell, angels and deamons.  It started when I stumbled across Dante’s Inferno in my book collection. I’ve never been really into it because, frankly, it scared me. I don’t want Satan, or some crazy devil worshipper to come knocking on my door.

Yeah, so I googled Inferno and all these engravings of  Gustave Dore came up in the search results. I stared at it for a while, then I frenziedly began searching and downloading every art work of his on the internet. I just keep staring at it, not in an I-wanna-tattoo-Beelzebub -on-my-left-breast kinda way. It’s mindblowing art. What do you call it? Devine insperation? A tortured mind? A genius? He also illustrated scenes of the Bible. The way I see it, the pictures you normally see of hell, deamons and angels – Gustave did. He was on the forefront.

You probably know these pictures?

Whatchoo’ gonna do?!

I’ve got about 3 weeks left till the university starts again. I’m looking forward to classes starting again. The apartment my sister and I share looks GREAT! I think it looks better than my house! I want to see all my friends again, I think that’s what I miss the most. It’s kinda quite here in my little hometown.

So what have I been doing here in hick town? I’ve watched too many movies and now my eyes are square and my brain is all slush. I’ve been on the internet too much and I swear before this holiday I could only type at about 10 words per minute, but I’m pretty sure I’ve gone up to 15…That’s progress!!! Don’t knock it… But still, this afternoon I actually went for a walk because I’ve been cooped up in the house for the better part of the past twee weeks! Yikes! Though, it’s been rainy weather, but that’s not a real excuse. After all this, here I am,  on the internet updating my blog! Gosh, I can’t live without the internet it seems? I guess I’m not alone in this. I think this will be (more accurately I think it already is) the next great addiction/ problem/ sickness/ disorder of the 21st century…Something like DUAI (Disorder of uncontrollable Addiction to the Internet ) or some other (more funny) acronym, I dunno. 

To cheer myself up and use the internet further, I will now feature the Artwork of the day courtesy of http://www.deviantart.com/   it’s an awesome art website! And to shamelessly promote myself I’m also a member of said website http://isomerous.deviantart.com/ 

At first when I saw this I was a bit..I don’t know disturbed, maybe because it reminded me of the fragility of my own body. But this is an amazing piece of art, the concept of how the human body heals itself and how it was executed was ingenious .Symbiosis, Sickness… by  Brianne Twiddle http://neumorin.deviantart.com/

My Sketches

So…these sketches I did today. I’m trying out a newish style because I’ve been in a rut for a long time and today I had a break through!  So I thought I’d share these with you guys!

My Personal Favourite Top 20 Actors

So I’ve thought a lot lately about my favourite actors. When I made a list, I had two pages worth of names. These are my favourite actors, if I were to make a Top 20 Best actors, my list would be a little different.  Just for the record when Google Images allowed it, I tried to get the best photograph of the actor, not naked torso’s,  to try and stifle accusations that this is just a hottie list. I can’t help the men are attractive. Here Goes!!

20. Ryan Reynolds


  19. Zachary Quinto    


18. Anton Yelchin         

17.  James McAvoy    


16. Andy Samberg    


15. Robert Downey Jr. 

14. Sam Rockwell

13. James Franco

12. Casey Affleck

11. Jake Gyllenhaal

10. Daniel Day-Lewis

9. Guy Pearce

8. Shia LeBouf

7. Kevin Spacey

6. Colin Firth

5. Hugh Laurie

 4. Heath Ledger

3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

2. Jesse Eisenberg

1. Ralph Fiennes

There just isn’t much I can add. His name says it all.

If you do not know any of these actors, go watch some of their stuff or google them. They are pretty incredible.