dilatingtime

If the clinically depressed robot Marvin blogged, this would be it.

Month: December, 2010

Backward glance

I don’t think I will be the only person who does this; the time has come to think back on this past year. It’s just under 3 hours in counting till 2011, here in my part of the world.

The first question is surely, “How was this year? Good or Bad?”     Sheesh, how does a person answer that? I started out at University. I did exceedingly well in my studies. I lived on my own. I made a new friends. I saw a few places and had some new  and amazing experiences. I didn’t lose some one dear to me in a tragic way. I grew as a person.

But I didn’t fall in love. Or wait. I did, but he didn’t fall in love with me. I lost contact with a few friends. Sometimes my life was a bit slow. I came to terms with the fact that my chances of losing my hearing all together is a reality. Maybe not immediately, but it’s a great possibility. I became more cynical. I lost some of my innocence. My relationship with my father is as bad as ever. And my grandfather isn’t doing that good. And I’m not as faithful to God as I would like to be.

This doesn’t answer the question though. 2010 – good or bad? I can’t decide. Either way, I’m still here and everything is relatively okay.

What do I want to change in the New Year?

I don’t know whether I’m at liberty to answer that. It never goes the way one plans. Maybe the only aspirations I can safely have is to do everything the best I can, and that’s including being more devout.

What do I hope for then, at least?

Aah, I dunno’, that something amazingly spectacular happens to me! That it would be a really good year. That I would lose some weight. Have a proper romantic relationship. Find my calling, or something. But these are stuff I wish for all the time. Maybe I shouldn’t make such a big thing out of the new year? I don’t want to crash and burn. Disappointment and disillusionment are pretty bitter and cold. And I know (you don’t, so trust me on this) I’ve had my fair share of them.

And now I’ll share some photo’s I took of the last day of 2010.

That was it 

the last fiery sun

it was ablaze that last hour,

 so it will rise again 

tomorrow

to a new age

   a new time

a new hour.

Always a dreamer

It’s raining like crazy outside. I was hoping for a really sunny day today. It’s also my Mom’s birthday, can you imagine, the last day of the year. Anyhow, I had a boyfriend that called it baby-making-wheather. Never got to the baby making part though. I’m (almost!) 20 for pete sakes. A lot of people I know are getting married and having children ,I’ve noticed. Is there some memo I missed? What’s really weird, I keep having dreams where I or someone I know is pregnant. I don’t even have a boyfriend at the moment. To be honest, I do have bizarre dreams. I think dreams aren’t just random stuff your brain pumps out. It usually has some link to what’s happening in your life. The subconscious is a pretty sneaky thing.

Amazing, eh? It’s by an artist called Bucz, here’s his deviantart page http://bucz.deviantart.com/ . A lot of his work has a dreamlike quality to it.

This talk about dreams reminds me of Inception. Guys, if you haven’t seen it, go. Do it now. That’s all there is to it. Just go.

Photo of the day!

This is a beautiful photo called collarbones by Dallas Harder.

I love the darkness and the strong sense of emotion. This is what I aspire to, a girl can dream right?

I am a very visual person. I can express myself a whole lot better with music and art than with words. Although I think I’m not that bad a writer,  still this blog is also an exercise in writing. I think of it as some sort of finishing school

Wallowing in Paul Newman

Tomorrow my sister and I will finaly be moving in to our new apartment in the city.

Today, I’m not really sure what the point of this blog is. I feel a bit…uh..I dunno…despondent I guess. Maybe it’s the post-Christmas slump or the aprehension of the looming new year. Too top it all I sprained my ankle while jogging on Sunday. Way to go. I was lying on the side of the road groaning in agony and then I realised I don’t have my phone with me.   Stupid, stupid.    So I just stayed there for a while untill the pain slowed to a dull pain and then I hopped on home, about 1km away. So I’ve been watching Glee ( yeah, so what! I’m different and unique! That’s the best part of me! Dramtic exit to left) and really old movies.Who new Humphrey Boggart was such a dish?! Paul Newman beats him any day though.

Ye hear me, capishe!

Though I live in the Southern hemisphere ( South Africa) and it’s supposed to be summer here we are experiencing some super thunder storms and relatively cold weather. I’m actually glad about this because now it feels kinda like a wintry Christmas. I like that.

I am reading Mario Puzo’s  The Godfather. Aaargh, what a story, eh?! I can clearly see why they made a movie of it. I haven’t seen the movie – I want to of course. Because I was curious I looked up Marlon Brando on the internet this afternoon (he played The Godfather Don Vito Carleone in the movie) I was so sad after I did that. He was such a handsome, talented actor, but it was very obvious the guy had personal problems. He had 11 or 12 children by various women. He remarried several times. His oldest son committed murder, his other kid committed suicide. Then he died from heart failure in 2004. What a way to go. The guy had great success as an actor but his personal life was a mess. What good is  beauty, fame and fortune if you’re unhappy? And Marlon Brando isn’t the only famous (or average Joe) person that we know of that has ended up like that or is well on their way.

Would you look at that. What a dish! What a doll!

Aaaw, shucks, I try me best

Holy shit!!!! I’m doing this post again because my dad’s computer is decripit trash! So I swore (if you count that as swearing), so what,huh?!! This is, I repeat – though you wouldn’t now that, a post about my own photography. Nice eh? It’s one of my diversions.

In this photo (above) is one of my dearest friends ,Gerrit-Daan.

This is a boy I photographed at a children daycare in a town ship in Cape Town. It was a heartbreaking experience.

My friend Nerike.

And lastly my lovely sister.

That’s it for today!

Dualism

My parents are fairly conservative people. I have my own theory about why that is. My mom is an innocent spirit, even though she’s almost 45, has three kids and is a nurse, it’s one of those jobs where you just see most disgusting stuff. So despite that she still has this beautiful childlike quality. That’s the reason for her high opinion of chastisy- it’s just in her nature to be prudent.

My Dad also regards abstaining from sex as very important. But I think it’s for other reasons than just trying to protect your three daughters from the world. I think, somehow he feels guilty. I don’t think he was a man-whore in his youth, I just think that his parents raised him in such a way that he believes there is something wrong with sex, your desires, sexuality and everything related to it. And now he tries to stifle his children with his rules. He even had a rule against dancing, because it would lead so sinful stuff…He was also very vague in regard to what the stuff  actualy is. This all coming from a man who never even spoke to one of his daughters about sex.

I am 20 and I’ve almost been two years away from home. Ironically I am studying Theology.

The thing is, it’s important to teach your children about it. Otherwise you have some pretty messed up kids with distorted views of sex. So it’s the inherent sexuality we must try and balance with the guilt we inherited from our parents.

The Solution?

After my previous post I have thought a bit more about the nature of human relationships. Apart from our carnal desires – you know, basic instincts like sex, eating, sleep and so forth, human relationships differ a lot from our animal neighbours. Otherwise we would just have been mammals. But we are not and our ability to think, i.e. reason, complicated emotions and our complex social interaction sets us apart. Thus making us awful at relationships because we manipulate and we deliberate before we care for and love some one. That strips us down, stopping us  from ever having a genuine relationship. We think it out , “If I care for and love this person, will I get something in return. Will I get hurt?”

Don’t tell me you have not done that. Maybe not in all those words, but we have our reservations when it comes to whole heartedly giving yourself to some one. It is understandable.

But, just imagine how simple life and relationships would have been if  it was a given in every relationship that the other person loved you. Then there would be no need to analyze every gesture tone of voice or inflection, look or words – because you know that what is said comes from a place of caring and love. Meaning how could it ever mean you any harm?

So, maybe I’m an idealist and a tad romantic. But what I discussed above is something to aspire too. It doesn’t mean it will happen. But it’s nice to dream every now and again.

Puting word into typing

Okay, this is the new me typing.  The one with the , supposed,  new angle. Here goes…

As I have mentioned previously, I love reading. One of the things I love most about it, is the way a writer spells everything out for the reader. For example the precise expression or voice tone of a character. The prolific meaning of each gesture, action or even a look.  A writer  lets you into a person ‘s (character’s) mind.  Isn’t that amazing. In this way no action, word – whatever- is lost on us. 

Even in movies the same thing occurs. Meaningful glances, words, looks, etc – is never lost in the complicated, messy process we call conversation.  It’s a process because there is so much to account for and it keeps on changing. You say something, she says something and the you give your response accordingly and then she does the same and you again etc, etc. If only it was about words! Bodylanguage, subtext, history, personality, voice tone, facial expressions, emotions – all of these play a very important role in conversing between people; but it all goes astray. This why relationships are messed up and complicated. But what else on earth gives us so much satisfaction and joy. Our whole existance is in relation to our fellow human beings. We live through and with each other. Some even say that life is about relationships. We are social creatures, there is no denying that.

Why then do we have this need for human interaction. Is it lonelyness, the need to procreate, selfishness: the need for a witness? We all want people to witness our lives. So that at the end someone can say,  ” I knew her. She lived. ”

Otherwise, what’s the point? Then you’ll just be another name on some tombstone -a waste. We seek remembrance in the ones that loved us. It’s actually very arrogant and narcissistic of us. That’s the way the world works, everyone dies. To think you are more special and worth remembrance than the other billions of people living and the ones that are allready dead – that’s pretty stupid.

 Yet here we are in this world, where nothing is actually new and we think we are special. Maybe you are. But how many of us will live a completely normal, average life? The majority of people will die average, yes.                 

 But still, here I am, thinking I am special. 

But I still haven’t come to an answer. Why do we have this need for relationships…?

The plunge 1.2

So far my blogging experience has been one of confusion (what to write!) a bit of anxiety, doubt and feeling like an idiot.  The whole point of this thing was to widen my take of myself, people around me, my life, my country and the world (as in earth, the universe and God). I must admit that this is only my 8th blog and it’s way too early to have any serious progress.  With progress I speak of purely in regards to myself ,(public popularity isn’t the aim of this) i.e.  growth.

I have recognized the problem. The problem is I have not been taking this seriously. I banter on about something inane and ,frankly, lame in each thing I’ve written. So, the change has come. The very next post will, hopefully, contain something in it’s subject matter that is of integrity and use.